Not much.

When people ask me what I've been up to, I always say not much. I think I have some really hum drum boring life until I think about it and realise I've been doing lots.

Why do I feel that I'm not busy?

So what have I been up to. Lets see.

I finished the first of my courses and handed in the report I put off writing for a week. Now I'm waiting for the results and the bit of paper to put on the wall. I've started the next course via correspondence and I'm already halfway through the notes. I've been booked for a series of presentations. I made contact with new possible clients. My hubby ended up in hospital and had his appendix out. I cleaned the toilet. Wrote and designed my future brochure and website. Reviewed my use of happy pills with doc and will be continuing them for quite a while. Phone just rang and hung up before I could answer it. Supervised hubby recover from surgery. Been interviewed for a magazine. Went back to ww. Caught up with a bunch of old friends round a fire.

Really, I've been busy haven't I?

A week later

It's been a week on the happy pills and I'm pleased to report the fog has lifted and I'm starting to think clearly. The issues lurking underneath are still there but don't seem as bad and I'm working on them.

Today I'm off to see a client. Woo! Hopefully this will be the beginning of many clients and a leap into a successful business. But there are decisions to make. Do I want to continue to work from home or take a room somewhere? Do I want to go mobile or stay in a fixed location? Do I want to work just for myself or for someone else? ARGH!!!!!! Do I want to continue working part time or go full time? Do I want to continue the education and return to study? Tricky.

I'm also heading to a big fundraising dinner thing for PANDA this Friday night then it's the mother's day classic on Sunday. The social calendar is starting to fill up. I might just have something resembling a life after all.

Black dog and other issues

Winston Churchill referred to depression as a black dog.

In the last few weeks my battle with depression has gotten harder. My mood has sunk and today I went to the doctor and have been placed on happy pills. Yes I know I said I didn't want to do this but the time has come and I was getting too tired to fight. I will continue to explore the alternatives.

As I've been so low, I didn't want to post anything.

So, here I go. Wonder where this will take me.

Other news is that on the weekend I finally did one of the courses I've been wanting to do for ages. Now I just need to finish the assignments and I'll have another qualification. Yay.

I'll post again soon to let you know how I'm going.

What was I thinking?

I think I've mentioned my intention to run the 4k mothers day classic before. Did I mention I've put off the training until now? Yep, I'm gonna pay big.

So this morning I decided that I cannot put off the training any longer. I started with some yoga to limber up and stretch. Not so bad. Then I packed up my little girl into the pusher and started the interval training. The warm up walk was great then the alert to run went off. I had to negotiate a corner, a tree and wobbly bits in the run but I managed 3/4 of the first jog bit. I sensibly tried not to go too fast and then had to walk. The next run alert went off and this time I managed half of the jog. After that it was all walking. To justify my wimping out along the way, I had a handicap. The pusher weighs 11kg plus my hefty toddler of 13kg equals more effort. I'm realising that I may have left this a little late, but I figure it's only day one of jogging. If I can manage to do three of the intervals next time, at least that will be an improvement and I can always walk/run the classic if I need to.

Thanks for putting up with the rant. My counsellor and I had a big chat about how I feel and what I'm going to do next. Last night I rang my mum and told her how I feel (just to remind her I have feelings too) and what I'm going to do. This I thought went well until fifteen minutes later my dad rang telling me mum was really upset. I've decided I'm not going to feel guilty about it.

Other news, I can't wait for my HRM to come back to me! I need to know what intensity I'm working at.

Also toddler girl is trying to talk more and giving me more smiles. They make everything better.

Em

Warning: Rant.

If you don't want to read this, I don't blame you but I need to vent and this is the safest way to do it without causing harm to furniture or actual people.

My depression has been recovering. The introduction of regularish exercise, good meals and social contact has worked. That is until my family get involved.

I know normal mums like to have their say in their kids lives but I'm really starting to think my mum is trying to sabotage me.

I'd just come home from a 2km walk and had done it in under 30 minutes. I was stoked so I thought I'd ring my family to say Hi and tell them how I was going. Didn't get a chance to do this. My mum decided it was time to air the dirty family laundry and pull some skeletons out of the cupboard. OK, this doesn't seem so bad until to hear the reason why. She's going to be on telly. Not because this is something that needs to be understood, just because I might get it second hand otherwise. I should also mention this was particularly horrid news and she told me when I was home alone and over the phone. This sort of stuff needs to be in person, don't you think?

The next night my mum bails up her family and tells them this information and then leaves them saying that she feels so much better. Damn shame about the mess she's just left behind her. This is the same family that we've never really been close to, not really social or friendly just civil.

I have spent the better part of a year trying very hard to build up relationships with my cousins and aunts and uncles but that's now been smashed to smithereens.

Adding to all this mess, I suggested to my mum to see a psychologist. She said she didn't need to because she's now come to grips with what's happened and her dippy hippy friends would help her if she needed it. I know these people don't have any qualifications in counselling and I wonder if they're doing more damage than good.

I now need to decide if I want my parents involved in my life or not. This is not the first time my family have messed up my plans and mental state. I don't think I have much more left in me.

It's been five days since and I've only just felt the need to scoff down a block of chocolate. I really don't want to fall off the wagon with my weight loss especially as I've just reached 5kg lost.

I think I'll get on the exercise bike and try to recover some of the points I've wasted.

Sorry for this. Hopefully my next post will be better/happier.

EM

PS. Seeing my counsellor tomorrow and I did warn her what happened. We'll see what comes from that.

Excuses and interruptions.

Hello,

As I was pushing my toddler in the pusher this arvo I was coming up with a fantastic post. All the musing of the last couple of days and the like. Then I was interrupted by a surprise visit from my father in law. He always seems to turn up when I'm covered in my toddler's lunch/dinner/drink, the house is a mess or I'm about to do something. Today it was all of them. Argh!

Right at this minute, I'm trying to type and balance my girl on my lap. Challenging.

What was I going to post. Oh yeah.

I was thinking about all the excuses I'm currently using to delay the start of my running program. There are a few. If there's one, I'll find it.

My heart rate monitor is in Adelaide being serviced and battery changed. Might as well be in Europe. This frustrates me as I use it as a guide to the intensity of my workout and an accurate monitor of how long I've exercised. It also, obviously, tells me when I'm pushing too hard.

I also had been using my boobs as an excuse. I'm not bragging here, but I have really big knockers. I've used my sports bra being too big and not supporting me the way it should. This is good and bad. Hip Hip Hooray, I've lost weight. Groan, I could injure someone if not restrained. I've since had a fitting and found my back size has gone down but cups are still huge. This I will one day have surgery to fix once I've lost more weight.

Then there's the part of me that I can't fix with a sports bra. They should tell you in pre-natal classes your belly will NEVER be the same. It's all wobbly and like the boobs, needs to be strapped down to prevent injury. Tricky. It was suggested I try skins as they suck everything in and help with something else. I did. I got the largest chicky size and wandered off to the fitting room. I got the top on OK, just got trapped trying to get it off. I had to get the very nice staff member to come in and help me rediscover my head and release my arms from above my head. Note to designers out there, Big sizes are needed more than skimpy ones. We need it more!

There's also the weather and lack of light. As the days are getting shorter here, I've got less opportunity to get out and move. This isn't the greatest area to be out in the dark on your own and given hubby leaves for work in the dark (even in summer), I can't just go for a very early morning run. Someone has to be home with the baby. By the end of the day, I've either lost enthusiasm or it's dark again. Any suggestions on this one?

So in other news, I'm going out tomorrow night with one of my best friends sans hubby and bubby. This will be a first and I'm looking forward to it. I'll let you know how it goes.

Educated.

My water bottle waiting.

The skirt and leggings combo.


Wasn't brave enough to take a photo of the garage. Maybe another time.

Em