Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Black dog and other issues

Winston Churchill referred to depression as a black dog.

In the last few weeks my battle with depression has gotten harder. My mood has sunk and today I went to the doctor and have been placed on happy pills. Yes I know I said I didn't want to do this but the time has come and I was getting too tired to fight. I will continue to explore the alternatives.

As I've been so low, I didn't want to post anything.

So, here I go. Wonder where this will take me.

Other news is that on the weekend I finally did one of the courses I've been wanting to do for ages. Now I just need to finish the assignments and I'll have another qualification. Yay.

I'll post again soon to let you know how I'm going.

Friday, April 3, 2009

What was I thinking?

I think I've mentioned my intention to run the 4k mothers day classic before. Did I mention I've put off the training until now? Yep, I'm gonna pay big.

So this morning I decided that I cannot put off the training any longer. I started with some yoga to limber up and stretch. Not so bad. Then I packed up my little girl into the pusher and started the interval training. The warm up walk was great then the alert to run went off. I had to negotiate a corner, a tree and wobbly bits in the run but I managed 3/4 of the first jog bit. I sensibly tried not to go too fast and then had to walk. The next run alert went off and this time I managed half of the jog. After that it was all walking. To justify my wimping out along the way, I had a handicap. The pusher weighs 11kg plus my hefty toddler of 13kg equals more effort. I'm realising that I may have left this a little late, but I figure it's only day one of jogging. If I can manage to do three of the intervals next time, at least that will be an improvement and I can always walk/run the classic if I need to.

Thanks for putting up with the rant. My counsellor and I had a big chat about how I feel and what I'm going to do next. Last night I rang my mum and told her how I feel (just to remind her I have feelings too) and what I'm going to do. This I thought went well until fifteen minutes later my dad rang telling me mum was really upset. I've decided I'm not going to feel guilty about it.

Other news, I can't wait for my HRM to come back to me! I need to know what intensity I'm working at.

Also toddler girl is trying to talk more and giving me more smiles. They make everything better.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Warning: Rant.

If you don't want to read this, I don't blame you but I need to vent and this is the safest way to do it without causing harm to furniture or actual people.

My depression has been recovering. The introduction of regularish exercise, good meals and social contact has worked. That is until my family get involved.

I know normal mums like to have their say in their kids lives but I'm really starting to think my mum is trying to sabotage me.

I'd just come home from a 2km walk and had done it in under 30 minutes. I was stoked so I thought I'd ring my family to say Hi and tell them how I was going. Didn't get a chance to do this. My mum decided it was time to air the dirty family laundry and pull some skeletons out of the cupboard. OK, this doesn't seem so bad until to hear the reason why. She's going to be on telly. Not because this is something that needs to be understood, just because I might get it second hand otherwise. I should also mention this was particularly horrid news and she told me when I was home alone and over the phone. This sort of stuff needs to be in person, don't you think?

The next night my mum bails up her family and tells them this information and then leaves them saying that she feels so much better. Damn shame about the mess she's just left behind her. This is the same family that we've never really been close to, not really social or friendly just civil.

I have spent the better part of a year trying very hard to build up relationships with my cousins and aunts and uncles but that's now been smashed to smithereens.

Adding to all this mess, I suggested to my mum to see a psychologist. She said she didn't need to because she's now come to grips with what's happened and her dippy hippy friends would help her if she needed it. I know these people don't have any qualifications in counselling and I wonder if they're doing more damage than good.

I now need to decide if I want my parents involved in my life or not. This is not the first time my family have messed up my plans and mental state. I don't think I have much more left in me.

It's been five days since and I've only just felt the need to scoff down a block of chocolate. I really don't want to fall off the wagon with my weight loss especially as I've just reached 5kg lost.

I think I'll get on the exercise bike and try to recover some of the points I've wasted.

Sorry for this. Hopefully my next post will be better/happier.


PS. Seeing my counsellor tomorrow and I did warn her what happened. We'll see what comes from that.