Not much.

When people ask me what I've been up to, I always say not much. I think I have some really hum drum boring life until I think about it and realise I've been doing lots.

Why do I feel that I'm not busy?

So what have I been up to. Lets see.

I finished the first of my courses and handed in the report I put off writing for a week. Now I'm waiting for the results and the bit of paper to put on the wall. I've started the next course via correspondence and I'm already halfway through the notes. I've been booked for a series of presentations. I made contact with new possible clients. My hubby ended up in hospital and had his appendix out. I cleaned the toilet. Wrote and designed my future brochure and website. Reviewed my use of happy pills with doc and will be continuing them for quite a while. Phone just rang and hung up before I could answer it. Supervised hubby recover from surgery. Been interviewed for a magazine. Went back to ww. Caught up with a bunch of old friends round a fire.

Really, I've been busy haven't I?

A week later

It's been a week on the happy pills and I'm pleased to report the fog has lifted and I'm starting to think clearly. The issues lurking underneath are still there but don't seem as bad and I'm working on them.

Today I'm off to see a client. Woo! Hopefully this will be the beginning of many clients and a leap into a successful business. But there are decisions to make. Do I want to continue to work from home or take a room somewhere? Do I want to go mobile or stay in a fixed location? Do I want to work just for myself or for someone else? ARGH!!!!!! Do I want to continue working part time or go full time? Do I want to continue the education and return to study? Tricky.

I'm also heading to a big fundraising dinner thing for PANDA this Friday night then it's the mother's day classic on Sunday. The social calendar is starting to fill up. I might just have something resembling a life after all.

Black dog and other issues

Winston Churchill referred to depression as a black dog.

In the last few weeks my battle with depression has gotten harder. My mood has sunk and today I went to the doctor and have been placed on happy pills. Yes I know I said I didn't want to do this but the time has come and I was getting too tired to fight. I will continue to explore the alternatives.

As I've been so low, I didn't want to post anything.

So, here I go. Wonder where this will take me.

Other news is that on the weekend I finally did one of the courses I've been wanting to do for ages. Now I just need to finish the assignments and I'll have another qualification. Yay.

I'll post again soon to let you know how I'm going.

What was I thinking?

I think I've mentioned my intention to run the 4k mothers day classic before. Did I mention I've put off the training until now? Yep, I'm gonna pay big.

So this morning I decided that I cannot put off the training any longer. I started with some yoga to limber up and stretch. Not so bad. Then I packed up my little girl into the pusher and started the interval training. The warm up walk was great then the alert to run went off. I had to negotiate a corner, a tree and wobbly bits in the run but I managed 3/4 of the first jog bit. I sensibly tried not to go too fast and then had to walk. The next run alert went off and this time I managed half of the jog. After that it was all walking. To justify my wimping out along the way, I had a handicap. The pusher weighs 11kg plus my hefty toddler of 13kg equals more effort. I'm realising that I may have left this a little late, but I figure it's only day one of jogging. If I can manage to do three of the intervals next time, at least that will be an improvement and I can always walk/run the classic if I need to.

Thanks for putting up with the rant. My counsellor and I had a big chat about how I feel and what I'm going to do next. Last night I rang my mum and told her how I feel (just to remind her I have feelings too) and what I'm going to do. This I thought went well until fifteen minutes later my dad rang telling me mum was really upset. I've decided I'm not going to feel guilty about it.

Other news, I can't wait for my HRM to come back to me! I need to know what intensity I'm working at.

Also toddler girl is trying to talk more and giving me more smiles. They make everything better.

Em

Warning: Rant.

If you don't want to read this, I don't blame you but I need to vent and this is the safest way to do it without causing harm to furniture or actual people.

My depression has been recovering. The introduction of regularish exercise, good meals and social contact has worked. That is until my family get involved.

I know normal mums like to have their say in their kids lives but I'm really starting to think my mum is trying to sabotage me.

I'd just come home from a 2km walk and had done it in under 30 minutes. I was stoked so I thought I'd ring my family to say Hi and tell them how I was going. Didn't get a chance to do this. My mum decided it was time to air the dirty family laundry and pull some skeletons out of the cupboard. OK, this doesn't seem so bad until to hear the reason why. She's going to be on telly. Not because this is something that needs to be understood, just because I might get it second hand otherwise. I should also mention this was particularly horrid news and she told me when I was home alone and over the phone. This sort of stuff needs to be in person, don't you think?

The next night my mum bails up her family and tells them this information and then leaves them saying that she feels so much better. Damn shame about the mess she's just left behind her. This is the same family that we've never really been close to, not really social or friendly just civil.

I have spent the better part of a year trying very hard to build up relationships with my cousins and aunts and uncles but that's now been smashed to smithereens.

Adding to all this mess, I suggested to my mum to see a psychologist. She said she didn't need to because she's now come to grips with what's happened and her dippy hippy friends would help her if she needed it. I know these people don't have any qualifications in counselling and I wonder if they're doing more damage than good.

I now need to decide if I want my parents involved in my life or not. This is not the first time my family have messed up my plans and mental state. I don't think I have much more left in me.

It's been five days since and I've only just felt the need to scoff down a block of chocolate. I really don't want to fall off the wagon with my weight loss especially as I've just reached 5kg lost.

I think I'll get on the exercise bike and try to recover some of the points I've wasted.

Sorry for this. Hopefully my next post will be better/happier.

EM

PS. Seeing my counsellor tomorrow and I did warn her what happened. We'll see what comes from that.

Excuses and interruptions.

Hello,

As I was pushing my toddler in the pusher this arvo I was coming up with a fantastic post. All the musing of the last couple of days and the like. Then I was interrupted by a surprise visit from my father in law. He always seems to turn up when I'm covered in my toddler's lunch/dinner/drink, the house is a mess or I'm about to do something. Today it was all of them. Argh!

Right at this minute, I'm trying to type and balance my girl on my lap. Challenging.

What was I going to post. Oh yeah.

I was thinking about all the excuses I'm currently using to delay the start of my running program. There are a few. If there's one, I'll find it.

My heart rate monitor is in Adelaide being serviced and battery changed. Might as well be in Europe. This frustrates me as I use it as a guide to the intensity of my workout and an accurate monitor of how long I've exercised. It also, obviously, tells me when I'm pushing too hard.

I also had been using my boobs as an excuse. I'm not bragging here, but I have really big knockers. I've used my sports bra being too big and not supporting me the way it should. This is good and bad. Hip Hip Hooray, I've lost weight. Groan, I could injure someone if not restrained. I've since had a fitting and found my back size has gone down but cups are still huge. This I will one day have surgery to fix once I've lost more weight.

Then there's the part of me that I can't fix with a sports bra. They should tell you in pre-natal classes your belly will NEVER be the same. It's all wobbly and like the boobs, needs to be strapped down to prevent injury. Tricky. It was suggested I try skins as they suck everything in and help with something else. I did. I got the largest chicky size and wandered off to the fitting room. I got the top on OK, just got trapped trying to get it off. I had to get the very nice staff member to come in and help me rediscover my head and release my arms from above my head. Note to designers out there, Big sizes are needed more than skimpy ones. We need it more!

There's also the weather and lack of light. As the days are getting shorter here, I've got less opportunity to get out and move. This isn't the greatest area to be out in the dark on your own and given hubby leaves for work in the dark (even in summer), I can't just go for a very early morning run. Someone has to be home with the baby. By the end of the day, I've either lost enthusiasm or it's dark again. Any suggestions on this one?

So in other news, I'm going out tomorrow night with one of my best friends sans hubby and bubby. This will be a first and I'm looking forward to it. I'll let you know how it goes.

Educated.

My water bottle waiting.

The skirt and leggings combo.


Wasn't brave enough to take a photo of the garage. Maybe another time.

Em

Another adventure.

Hi all.

Was feeling a little flat this morning and managed to eat half a block of very nice, but very wrong, chocolate. ARGH! So I thought I would remedy this with some exercise. I thought that I would take my bike and it's new seat out for a test drive. All this sounds good doesn't it?

So I grabbed all the paraphernalia I required. The basics like keys, Ventolin, mobile, water bottle and helmet. Then figured out I didn't have anywhere to store these while essentials whilst riding. Enter the denim skirt. I rationalised that I could just wear it over my leggings. Oh so very fashionable.

First challenge of the day was actually extracting the bike from the garage. Darling hubby seemed to think the back of the garage was a fantastic place to store it. So whilst the doggy's were barking insanely to let me know there was someone in our garage (they're not too bright), I carried the bike through the obstacles such as a car radiator and ute tailgate (I can't explain this sufficiently, might need to learn how to post photos.) and got out the bike.
Stage one complete.

Next was to get my helmet on. I put my hair into pigtails when I exercise. Pigtails+helmet=jammed on. God I must have looked frightful.
Stage two complete.

Now I had to get on the bike. Remember that skirt I was telling you about. Now there is no ladylike way to get on my bike. I have to get on the same way guys get on. Not in a skirt. Yes it has stretch but not that much stretch. I was trying to do this in the driveway in full sight of the neighbourhood. YAY! After a small stumble into the garden bed, I was on and heading off. Stage three complete!

I was riding. Wind in my face, sun in my eyes but I was on the road and peddling. I managed three corners when a ute and trailer overtook me and stopped suddenly at the next intersection. I was turning left and didn't see the car coming. Oops took my eyes off where I was going for a second and I'm off the bike. Hello nature strip AND with witnesses. The blokes in the ute were probably killing themselves laughing.

Got up, back on the bike and rode back to my house where I found my water bottle waiting patiently on the couch where I had left it.
Stage four complete.

Condition report: Bruises: Zero. Scrapes: Zero. Broken bones:Zero. Dignity: Slightly dinted. Bum: Not as sore.

Mission complete.

Spoke too soon

Nope, I was wrong. Wii-mote is back in the hands of Hubby. It seems that as soon as I started to use it, his interest in it fired back up. I'll be very glad when he finishes his leave and returns to work on Monday.

Thursday was our 4th anniversary of our marriage and we celebrated by spending the day together on Friday. We took my bike to be serviced and new saddled (YAY) and acquired computer parts to replace the bits that didn't like the power surge and then had a lovely lunch at a pub. We then came home to watch the latest James Bond movie. I need you to know that I love James Bond movies before I tell you what happened next. About 10 minutes in, I went to sleep. I know, I know but this one seemed to be missing something. Oh yeah, Ian Fleming. Will try again in the coming week.

Bubs has just woken from her nap. She go and check on her.

Talk soon.

Virtue.

Right. The god stick is back in my hands! After being patient (and absent from house) the wii remote is MINE! Incidentally, rhythm boxing is my new favourite.

Other news. My cousin got married on the weekend. Yay. She had intended it to be on the beach. Nice. The weather turned on her and it was freezing and poured with rain. BAD. Also her caterer had a tantrum and the reception was delayed by two hours.

What I should also tell you is that my cousin looked divine. Her dress was beautiful and I didn't recognise her husband. Every time I've seen him, he's been wearing thongs and holding a beer so to see him in a suit and "real" shoes not to mention a haircut was a bit of a surprise.

My diet also took a bit of a tumble over the weekend. Was staying with my family and eating for a diet is not their strong point. Good news is that I'd spent the earlier part of the week exercising like mad to compensate. Only a small gain as a result. Now have to do the same this week to make up for it!

Tomorrow I'm taking my bike to be fitted, serviced and a comfy seat installed on it. Yay. Maybe now I can make good use of it and save the environment, money and improve my fitness. There is even talk of acquiring a toddler seat for the back.

I wish the weather would decide what it wants to do. My sinuses aren't coping. I'm over the headaches.

More soon.

Em

Absolute silliness

I relented. I've held out on buying a new telly for about 2 years. Then last week I caved. Only because I wanted a wii fit.

This is both good and bad. The wii was supposed to be for me to muck around with and get a bit more exercise in. Hubby has used it more than me. Grr. I'll just have to wait until the novelty has worn off and it will be mine again!

Other news since the last post. Toddler is still teething. Health nurse said she's very smart and about 6 months ahead in her development. Yay. This also means we get to suffer through tantrums earlier than scheduled.

I've also manage to lost another kilo or so.

I should really do this more often as I forget all the interesting things in the mean time!

Revelations.

Hi all,

Just a quick note. I did go swimming. Shaved down (big mistake) and ended up walking my laps instead of swimming. Still it's a start.

In other news, today I realised how great I felt after exercising. Granted I still feel rubbish whilst I'm exercising but I'm improving. Took hubby and bubby on a long walk. Bub's went to sleep and I'm feeling pretty good. Now how to achieve this on a regular basis........

Pro's & Con's

Hello again.

I'm contemplating taking up a membership at the local pool around the corner from me. Every since I was a little kid, I've been a water baby but this has dropped off in more recent times. I love swimming. I would regularly swim laps when I was in secondary school even though I considered myself allergic to exercise (given I'm asthmatic I was partially right).

Walking is great too. Except when it's too hot or smokey from the bushfires. (On the bushfires, all friends and family are safe and well.)

So the pool, which has indoor & heated facilities, is looking good. Also, swimming doesn't require me to update my runners and has less impact on the joints. But there will be significant waxing involved. ARGH!!!!! BUT! I felt fitter and found breathing easier when I was swimming (scientifically proven too! I have the data somewhere).

I should also mention here that I have set myself a ridiculous goal of running the 4km mothers day classic. So either way I will need to update the runners. Training was supposed to start last week. This week it will have to be!

In other news. Have been madly cleaning my house. I decided I was sick of the mess in the kitchen and the lounge. It's a bit of a vicious cycle though. I clean, husband and small child make mess. I'm also planning on clearing out at least half my clothes. They either don't fit or don't get worn. This is also so there is less washing to do.

I forgot to mention that in the last four weeks I have lost 2.4kg. Lots more to go.

Stress

Here I am again.

I've spent the last two days biting my nails and trying to get information of the bushfires that are raging.

Just after my last post, I found out my home town was threatened by a bush fire. I rang my parents who still live there and they knew nothing about it. This was a little worrying given the fire wasn't far from their back fence. All they could see was dust being stirred up by the gale force winds. Eventually, more information trickled through. Thankfully, no lives were lost and only a handful of homes were burnt.

Not so lucky in other parts of the state. Which is why I've been biting my nails. I realised early on I had friends and family in all the areas on fire. God bless facebook! Most of them were able to leave messages that they were safe, some I only heard from this morning.

Bush fires scare me. I remember Ash Wednesday even though I was only 6 at the time. I also remember driving through NSW in 2001 when Sydney was under threat and there being fires burning on the sides of the highway and it seems like it wasn't that long ago I was scared for my brother when Halls Gap was caught in the fires. The bush fire prevention and preparation ads from my childhood are still crystal in my mind. Benefit of growing up in the country I guess, but they don't show them anymore.

In other news, a gecko has taken up residence in my bedroom. I don't mind as he will eat mozzies. We have named him Aristotle Aloisius, Stoli for short. Stoli was last seen walking towards the window.

My little girl is at care today so it's cleaning day. YUCK! I hate housework.

Catch you later.

Well here I am...

I'm starting this with no intention of telling anyone I'm doing it. Infact, I usually consider reading blogs a lot like reading someone's private journal. Still, here I am.

So about me. Um, I'm a mum to a toddler who is currently throwing a tantrum because her dad didn't let her into the laundry. I'm setting up my own business to run from home. I'm married. I live in the suburbs with two dogs and drive, unfortunately, a 4WD.

What else, oh yeah, I'm currently on a mission to lose about 70 kilos in weight and get fit. So far I've lost just over a kilo in two weeks. It's a little daunting but I really want to get the weight down. This is my third attempt to lose it. The first time I lost 15 kilos and fell pregnant. I wasn't planning on getting pregnant but my little girl is here now. The second time I started was just after I had my little girl. I didn't lose as much and I was kidding myself thinking I was going to be able to look after my little girl, breastfeed, eat properly, exercise . That attempt ended when both my husband and myself had a stint in hospital and I decided I really wasn't in the right mind space.

This time I decided to go back a month before I did. Infact it was just before christmas I decided something had to be done. Technically this is not a new year thing.

I'm also on the path to recovering from post natal depression. This has been a process that has involved so far a years worth of counselling and no drugs yet. I'm looking into alternative therapies first! Apparently, structured eating and regular exercise are recommended for

Anyway, it's hot here today. So I won't be exercising until very late this evening.

That should do for now. My little girl needs a cuddles and a sleep.